So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize