I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
