im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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