my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
