Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
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