I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
