roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize