His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
