Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
