why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Randomize
