i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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