you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
sick fucks of a feather flock together
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
