I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
