I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
