I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
