3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
