Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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