Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Pants are for mortals
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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