1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
