My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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