I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
