I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
