like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
