Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
