Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
