I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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