i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
