The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Randomize
