I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
