i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
