A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I need to align my fucking chakras
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
