That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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