Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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