I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
