just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
