Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
