I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize