If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Randomize
