i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
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