She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
