forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
