my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
