so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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