I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
