my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
