yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize