Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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