my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
