Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
