put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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