He disabled his match.com account in front of me
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
