I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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