But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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