She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
