at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
