She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I just googled if crying burns calories
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
