I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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