I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
