I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
