I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
