Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
So squirting runs in the family.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
