I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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