I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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