It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
