drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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